January 11, 2008

It was just two weeks before I would be reliving that day three years ago when I was spun into a whole new world where I found myself living someone else's life. It is worlds apart from the one that made sense, brought a smile to my lips, and within was found peace, security and love. Here, in this place that I reside, is devoid of these elements that were so necessary and abundant in my world with Manuel.
Since that day in 2005, it has effected every one of my children in a different way. The picture that I posted of my youngest son last year allowed all to see the devastation it had brought to him. Alex had always had health issues. Yes, rather serious ones. His life was filled with hospitals, doctor's offices, surgeries and procedures. Nothing could ever keep him down though. He experienced anything and everything that came his way.
We had an appointment on January 11th with yet another surgeon, one more of a stream of physicians who believed he had one more answer, one more surgery, one more procedure, one more pill that would make him "better." Alex' health had deteriorated drastically after the death of his father. When he reached the weight of 107 lb., there was a permanent G-Tube placed. This was after he had had two PIC lines that ended up with Infections and clots in both, besides no weight gain. Now he was being told that there may be a possibility for him to live a "NORMAL" life, without a tube to nourish him. He would be able to chew and swallow like the rest of the people in this world. But there was a price to be paid for this normalcy that had alluded him throughout his life. That price was another surgery that may, or may not, be successful, that would be extremely painful and most likely put him back on the narcotics that he struggled so hard to take himself off of just one year ago, and the recovery period would be long and difficult.
This was a decision that only Alex could make for himself. We had just spent two weeks in Oregon with his sister Crystal. They discussed this and he was leaning toward a yes answer. But, now it was January 10th, the day before that appointment, and things were changing. He didn't want to fill out the necessary papers that were sent online for the appointment the next day. I did it for him while he sat on my bed answering the questions that only he would know. I must admit that I wanted this for him so bad. I really believed this doctor when he told us that Alex would not need the tube, he would eat normally and live a long life. I had to believe it. How could I possibly lose my baby? We had worked for the past thirty years doing whatever it took to keep him alive. I couldn't lose him now!
Well, after the papers were properly answered and printed out, I told Alex to get ready and I would take him to the Hospital ER for his severe shoulder pain that he had been using "Icy Hot" for over the past three hours. It was 10:00p.m., not unlike most of our trips to the ER. What was unusual was that they took him immediately and put him on the "Fast Track". This was the first time we had this experience. It was not long after that the doctor came to examine him and prescribed a pain medicine. Most everyone knew Alex there. He was what we in the medical field call a 'Frequent Flyer." He came in for severe abdominal pains due to adhesions from the past five surgeries, severe left shoulder pain which was explained to us as residual referred pain from the esophagectomy, and his common bleeding from the esophacolon (as Alex called it) with the huge ulcer at the anastamosis. So we said our hello's to the nurses and physicians that came by and recognized him. His nurse that night was a gentleman that had taken care of Alex many times before. He came in promptly and gave him Dilaudid 3 mg. in the right deltoid. This was usually an amount that would work for Alex' shoulder pain, but tonight it did not touch the pain. We both thought that it could have been because it was given IM instead of IV as he usually had it. So he was moved to another room where he would be more closely monitored and was given 4 mg. of Dilaudid. After a few minutes, he was resting and falling asleep. Finally, he was out of pain. My mother's heart could rest too.
Alex was released with all of the mandatory instructions and, as is our custom, we followed this ER trip up with a visit to his favorite dining establishment, Denny's. He wasn't able to swallow, so when I was finished he packed his food up and we went home. He was tired, happy, talkative, and beautiful. He hugged me tight and thanked me for always being there for him. He told me how much he loved me, and I told him that he was the BEST. It was 3:00 a.m. and I told him that I would wake him for his appointment in the morning.
The alarm went off and I went to his room to wake him. He wasn't answering me. I opened the door and went in calling his name thinking that he was sleeping very soundly. Then, there I was at the side of his bed looking down at his lifeless body. He felt cold. His lips were blue. My worst nightmare!!! I slapped him, I yelled at him, I tried thumping his chest. Nothing, nothing would bring life back to him. I called 911 and tried to follow all of the instructions. I was hysterical. This was not my patient at work. No. This was my baby, my youngest son, my darling boy. I continued doing the chest compressions and giving mouth- to- mouth until the paramedics arrived. There were a few times that I believed that Alex was breathing. The fact was that he had been gone for three to four hours before I went to wake him up. There he was. My beautiful, beautiful boy, wrapped in a white sheet. I sat waiting for the police, then the coroner. Nothing made sense to me. Could this be real? I kept thinking, "Patty, how are you breathing, how are you walking or talking, how are you staying alive?"
Now, this new world is spinning again. I don't no where I will be. I don't know who I will be. I don't know why I will be. But, my journey began once more on the morning of January 11, 2008.