Grieving for Two

Although my husband has been gone for three years,  I am constantly brought  back to a place where I have to face his death as if it happened yesterday.  This is an unavoidable outcome when the death of a loved one is so public.  There are the yearly reminders where we sit at the site and view the memorial, listen to the politicians and others commend all those that were there that horrific morning to help.  As our memories bring tears to our eyes, the media are attempting to shoot just the right picture that will tug all the hearts.  We all know that last year,  that was my beautiful son Alex.  

It is not only those days, but the many legal things that come up.  I could be having a good day, turn on the TV to watch a poker game, and there it is!!  That day has collided into the world that I am living in now forcing me to feel the feelings, smell the smells, and hear those unbelievable words, all while the tears flow over from my eyes, down my cheeks, around the crevice of my nostril, to my lips and on my tongue, then meeting as a small creek they collect and run down my chin and to my neck.   No amount of tissues could keep this flood back.

Now, with the death of my son Alex, I find things a little confusing.  He died two weeks before the third anniversary of my husband's death.  It was Friday, January 11, 2008 that I mistakenly went into my son's room thinking that I would be waking him up for one of his many doctor's appointments.  He was sitting up in bed.  He could not lay flat due to his medical afflictions.  While he was living with me, Alex was forced to use the small single bed that we had purchased for him as a child with the up and down controls.  No matter who asked, or how nicely we asked, his wife refused to allow him to use the adjustable Queen sized Select Comfort bed that we bought for him.  OK.  I said it!  

I stepped over the small gate because he was not responding to my calls.  His mouth was opened as if he was snoring, but I could not hear any sounds.  I quickly walked closer to him. I felt his cold arms and saw his blue lips.  That was the beginning of another day that will be relived over and over in my mind.

I was like Humpty Dumpty after the death of my husband.  I did not believe that anything or anyone would be able to put me back together again.  In the beginning of this year, I felt as if some of my pieces were fitting together and that there was hope for this crazy messed up life after all.   Now,  the fragile pieces, fitting together by a thread, were being dropped from a twenty story window.  There it was for the world to see:  My heart, my soul, my life, my yesterdays, my hopes and my dreams shattered across the seas, over the mountains and to the ends of the earth.   Could this truly be happening?  

Grieving for a child is quite different from mourning the loss of a husband.  I will save the explanation of this for another day.  But, the distinctive pain completely mirrors one another.  It is not the emotional pain that I am speaking of.  No.  It is the physical pain that is associated only during these times of great loss.  First, there may be a thought or a memory that crosses through my mind.  The thought remains while my lips become numb and my face gets hot.  Then my chest is flash frozen, and my arms ache down to the fingertips.  It is seconds before my face cools, my lips awaken, and my chest slowly warms.  There are times that it absolutely takes my breath away.  I wonder if this is just me, or could this be happening to others in this position.  Now, take a deep breath.

Alex' one last gift

Alex had a special talent, a musical talent. Manuel and I never could figure out where it came from because neither of our families had that gene running through them. But, here he was, this musical genious. He taught himself how to play the piano at a young age.  By the time he was in fourth grade he wanted to play the clarinet.  I did not even know what a clarinet was.  We bought him a small plastic one thinking that this wouldn't last long.  Little did we know that he would grow into many beautiful and expensive clarinets, saxaphones, and guitars.  Music went through his head twenty-four hours a day.  He was accepted into the Boston Conservatory when there were two chosen from across the country.  He stayed for three years even against the advice of his doctors, both here in California and there in Boston.  He was getting sicker and sicker.  Finally he came home for a Christmas vacation and was worked up for a surgery.  It was a very difficult surgery with a long recovery.  It was not long before we were well aware that this second surgery had failed.  Now the doctors had no choice but to remove his esophagus.  I could hardly believe my ears!  But, he assured Alex that he would be able to play the clarinet as well as before.  He followed the advice of his doctors and his parents and went through the surgery.  He was never able to play the clarinet again.  After the pain and frustration throughout the recovery, this was a devastating realization.  Eventually he accepted things the way they were and found a new love, computers.  He never gave up playing the piano and guitar.  When he was away, I missed hearing the music in the house.  He later became sicker and came back to live with me.  By that time his illness had begun to attack his mental faculties. I remember one day when he sat down at the piano, opened the book, and realized that he did not know what to do with his hands or what the notes meant.  My heart broke for him when he came and told me, "Mom, I can't play the piano anymore."  What a sad day when such a thing of beauty in your life is taken from you.   

Then, one day a few days before he left this earth to be with his father, Linda and I were in my room when we suddenly heard this amazing music coming from the living room piano.  At first I thought it was a radio or something, but I soon realized that it was Alex playing that piano like an angel!  I know that God gave me that moment to hear him play one last time.  Thank you God.  Thank you Alex.  That was the most special gift!